Placator:  This stance involves feeling like one is wrong and that one needs to apologize and please someone else.  This stances places the person in a position of “lesser than” which  needs approval and recognition from someone else.  The placator will always try to avoid conflict.  Most often, this begs one to spend most of one’s time attending to what is important and urgent to others and ignoring the same for themselves.  This position is usually one that hides fear.   This is one of the most common communication stances.

Blamor: This stance involves protecting oneself from pain by blaming others.  It is a position of superiority because the other is to blame.  They are often aggressive and dictatorial.  Blamors always find fault and are critical.

Computer
In this stance the person is logical and reasonable. They don’t speak in terms of what they are feeling but rather by what they think.  They present as calm and in control.  Computers remain in the abstract and stay away from feelings because they may be afraid of feelings.

Distractor
This stance is one of placing attention elsewhere so that they don’t have to face reality.  Many times the distractor will attempt to relieve tension by joking, moving, doing or saying something irrelevant, etc.

1. The freedom to see and hear what is here, instead of what “should” be, was, or will be.
2. The freedom to say what you feel and think, instead of what you “should” feel and think.
3. The freedom to feel what you feel, instead of what you “ought” to feel.
4. The freedom to ask for what you want, instead of always waiting for permission.
5. The freedom to take risks on you own behalf, instead of choosing to be only “secure”.

This article focuses on a technique used to help couples listen to each other in a way that will lead the person speaking to reveal his innermost emotions and thoughts.  It is difficult to undertake without a therapist to referee and model, but it is worth a try.

1. Health
2. Self-esteem
3. Goals and values, or philosophy of life
4. Standardof living
5. Work
6. Recreation
7. Learning
8. Creativity
9. Helping or social service and civic action
10. Love relationship
11. Friendships
12. Relationshipswith children
13. Relationshipswith relatives
14. Home
15. Neighborhood
16. Community

I’ve spent years upon years analyzing the influence of past behaviors on current behaviors. I know that it is extremely beneficial to many, I am not arguing against it. What I do want to challenge is our understanding that this is the “best” and only way to change behavior. I think that everyone behaves the way they do because of the context in which they are embedded. So, yes a person murders or steals because of the interaction between the environment and his individual self. If the environment was different, the behavior would be different. Hence, if behavior is strongly dependent on environment, then thinking about past issues is just not enough to change behavior. What we really need is a change in context. So, for the person who chooses violent partners, it is not deep personal exploration that will change their behavior but rather a change in circumstances. This person could surround themselves with non-controlling and nurturing people for a while. They will find themselves choosing other types of mates thereafter.

Psychologist Martin Seligman provides the acronym PERMA to summarize Positive Psychology’s correlational findings: humans seem happiest when they have

1. Pleasure (tasty foods, warm baths, etc.),
2. Engagement (or flow, the absorption of an enjoyed yet challenging activity),
3. Relationships (social ties have turned out to be extremely reliable indicator of happiness),
4. Meaning (a perceived quest or belonging to something bigger), and
5. Accomplishments (having realized tangible goals).

I’m a mathematician who’s anal-compulsive. So I don’t want to freshen up the song each performance. To me, singing is execution. You don’t throw out what you’ve learned to execute. You refine what you’ve learned. And I run into a difference of opinion with Paul on this. When we tour, after the eighteenth show Paul invariably goes, “Now we know it. I’m tired of the show. Let’s move on to some other project.” And I go, “No. Now we’re ready to execute it.” Execution is where it’s at, man. Refine and refine. Find the inner beauty within and keep going. Live to refine. But for every one of me, there’s nine of the other type: Keep it fresh through reinvention.

Read more: http://www.esquire.com/features/what-ive-learned/meaning-of-life-2012/art-garfunkel-quotes-0112#ixzz1hGqHJHbH

 “Ruminative, intrusive thoughts have been found to deplete people’s cognitive resources”

Having negative thoughts is not good for our happiness, but yet negative thoughts pervade our lives.  I find myself having negative thoughts several times a day. If you pay attention, you may find that you are having negative thoughts more often than you would like to acknowledge.

 Dwelling on the negative is like everything else in life, the more you do it, the worse it gets. Or, the more you hang around those who do it, the more you will do it. For example, if you come from a family that routinely sees the negative, you are more likely to see the negative as well. Consequently, the more you dwell on the negative, the more negative life becomes, and the more negative you become.

On the other hand, negative thoughts are good because they protect us and help us grow. For example, if I think about the fact that I did badly on an exam, I will correct my mistake in the future. The problem with negative thoughts begins when we think about how badly we did on the exam, over and over again. The excess of negative thoughts doesn’t allow people to do anything else but sit there and obsess. Negative thoughts can be paralyzing. Rumination, or obsessive thoughts, can stop you from being clear headed enough to move on.

How do we stop from dwelling on the negative? The answer is to do the opposite. If thinking negatively leads to more negative thinking, then thinking positively will lead to more positive thinking. The more positive thinking we have, the happier we will be. I would suggest the following in order to change negative obsessive thoughts:

1. Become aware of your negative thoughts and attitudes throughout your day. Take inventory of where you stand.
2. Decide that you want to become more positive in life. This step is harder than it appears because being negative works for many of us. In other words, being negative gives us something. For example, you may fear that your mother will let you down, so you keep your distance from her. You do this by constantly criticizing or having negative thoughts about her. The negative thoughts keep you from getting close to her and consequently from getting hurt.
3. If there are people or areas in life that create negativity, think about alternate ways to get what you get from them (laughter, fun times, connections, etc.) without the negativity.
4. Every time a negative thought or attitude comes up replace it with a positive thought or feeling. This can be achieved by thinking of something that you have done well in the past or by thinking about a positive experience. You can also think of something positive in the future.
5. Meditate on how you would like to feel in the future. If you would like to feel more positive and happier, then imagine what that would feel like in the future. Having the feeling of positivity or happiness even for a few seconds will open up the path to more of the same type of feelings.  Remember, doing something leads to doing more of the same.

Read More